Yes, that's right, even Oprah's heavy-handed head shrinker can see that the relationship you've developed with your couch has become unhealthy.
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your couch wants to start seeing other people. Other, erm...slimmer people.
Sure, I understand that this is all probably a lot to take in right now. Take your time with it. Breath.
I know that you though things had been going really well between you and your favorite piece of upholstered loveliness, but really, can't you see how all those chips and cookie crumbs took their toll on her?
And those dents. Man, those dents. It just makes me shudder thinking about it.
That just isn't healthy for either of you.
But hey...come on. Stop crying. You've got to pull yourself together if you're going to win her back. Hell, you don't even want that piece of trash back anyway. A good looking guy like you should be shopping at Pottery Barn, if you know what I mean.
This time it's going to be different though, right? No more 12-hour Mountain Dew fueled binges playing Halo. Sure, you thought you were happy at the time, but look what its done to both of you. Fragging n00bs loses its lustre after a while and all you're left with is a sore thumb and pile of returnables.
We've all been there man. Nobody's going to judge you. C'mon....wipe those eyes, and get yourself back in the kind of shape that looks good on a couch again.
You can make a start any Tuesday or Thursday at Howard Sports. 6:30 for 6:45 on Tuesday, 6:45 for 7 on Thursday.
Trust me. You'll be feeling better about yourself in no time.
And hey, this Saturday afternoon, since you're going to be free from now on, get to Bates College for some more indoor turf time. I'll hit you up with the deets later in the week.
It's time to be a man again.
