Training at Gorham Sports this Saturday (3/15)

After weeks of bouncing around in the confines of Howard Sports, the wide-open greenery of Gorham Sports Center beckons tomorrow, where a pitch has been laid on for you from 2:30 to 4pm so you can stretch your legs.

Because I know you're going to ask, I've already provided you with a nice map below so you know how to get there. So that's one less excuse you can use. I'm sure your overactive imagination can come up with plenty of others.


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Dr. Phil says your couch and your fat arse should see less of each other

Yes, that's right, even Oprah's heavy-handed head shrinker can see that the relationship you've developed with your couch has become unhealthy.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your couch wants to start seeing other people. Other, erm...slimmer people.

Sure, I understand that this is all probably a lot to take in right now. Take your time with it. Breath.

I know that you though things had been going really well between you and your favorite piece of upholstered loveliness, but really, can't you see how all those chips and cookie crumbs took their toll on her?

And those dents. Man, those dents. It just makes me shudder thinking about it.

That just isn't healthy for either of you.

But hey...come on. Stop crying. You've got to pull yourself together if you're going to win her back. Hell, you don't even want that piece of trash back anyway. A good looking guy like you should be shopping at Pottery Barn, if you know what I mean.

This time it's going to be different though, right? No more 12-hour Mountain Dew fueled binges playing Halo. Sure, you thought you were happy at the time, but look what its done to both of you. Fragging n00bs loses its lustre after a while and all you're left with is a sore thumb and pile of returnables.

We've all been there man. Nobody's going to judge you. C'mon....wipe those eyes, and get yourself back in the kind of shape that looks good on a couch again.

You can make a start any Tuesday or Thursday at Howard Sports. 6:30 for 6:45 on Tuesday, 6:45 for 7 on Thursday.

Trust me. You'll be feeling better about yourself in no time.

And hey, this Saturday afternoon, since you're going to be free from now on, get to Bates College for some more indoor turf time. I'll hit you up with the deets later in the week.

It's time to be a man again.

"Spring" Training

If you've just been growing wider on the couch it's time to have someone pry you off it and push you out the door in the direction of Howard Sports. Yes, that's right, what we jokingly refer to as "Spring Training" is starting up next week (2/5), despite the fact that a green blade of grass may not appear in the state for several more months.

In one of his first acts as President, Jerry has been able to secure us twice-weekly sessions indoors at Howard Sports in Saco, one in gym and one on turf, so there's opportunity to hone your skills as well as your chiseled physique. Specifics on the times etc. are republished below as well as a map with directions at the very bottom.

Tuesday Practices:
Location: Howard Sports in Saco, Gymnasium #2
Time: 6:45 pm to 8:30 pm
Everyone is expected to be fully kitted-up and ready to practice by 6:45 pm so we make the most of our allotted time. Don't show up late in hopes of trying to miss the fitness portion of the training, we all need to be fit to repeat NERFU.
Cost: $5 dollars a person to be collected pre-practice.
Because this is a gymnasium ensure that you have the proper footwear for practice "sneakers".

Thursday Practices:
Location: Howard Sports in Saco, Small Turf
Time: 6:45 pm to 8:00 pm
Everyone is expected to be fully kitted-up and ready to practice by 6:45 pm, being on time on Thursday is critical because we have less time at the facility.
Cost: $5 dollars a person to be collected pre-practice
Because this is turf ensure that you have the proper footwear for practice "sneakers, cleats and or turf shoes".


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New Management

At the second time of asking the club managed to muster up enough of the faithful to stage a passable AGM and determine just who is going to be running the show for the next 12 months.
Business both old and new was kept to a minimum in order to focus on the elections before the elusive majority that had assembled should disappear for fear of getting elected to something. As usual however some wringing of hands took place regarding the club finances, and the need for new and lucrative get rich schemes.

Anyway, it's just those kind of "as usual" comments that the populous has had enough of since they were in the mood for some change, and who can blame them? Throw the rascals out, I say. Whether any of the rascals could've been persuaded to stay is another matter.

The most hotly contested race of the evening was that of Captain, and after a healthy debate, Steve Stewart became the choice of the people to guide the club in its on-field activities.

Backing Steve up off the field, with 25 years experience and plenty of persuasive power, was Jerry Alves, who was elected as President.

Rounding out the Exec., and making up in enthusiasm for what they may lack in experience, were Ryan Facey and Derik Hammond at the positions of Treasurer and Secretary respectively.

Congratulations to all the new officers. May their coffers runeth over, their fixture lists be full, and their days (and nights) be free from drama and intrigue. Good luck with that last one. This is Portland after all.

News of winter training plans should be issuing forth from the new team very shortly. Watch this space....

Clear the Decks - Banquet Date, Location, Price Set

That's right. If getting humilitated on the message board isn't giving you the same thrill as having your shortcomings exposed in public, then your torment is over. That end-of-year folly we we loosely call a banquet has been scheduled, so all you have to do is dust off your date and learn some table manners, and you can be actin' all civilized-like.

Saturday, December 1st has been set aside for the occaision, with the festivities kicking-off at the Eagles Club at 4pm.

Yes, that's right kiddies, 4 o-freakin'-clock in the effin' afternoon. What's that all about? Some of you are barely awake by then!
So thanks to the early start things should be all wrapped up by 9pm, at which time the Eagles should be calling johnny-law, and you'll be home in time to pass out before the kids are even in bed. WTFWJDBBQ?

Where's the Eagles Club at then? Well, it's here, of course.

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You know, the funny thing is they even call it an Aerie, like they were real eagles or something. Caw! Caw!...or whatever it is eagles say.

So, the only thing remaining is to inform you of the cost for getting to eat your dinner in the middle of the day. Well, that would be $30 per head actually, for a slap-up afternoon tea, and presumably some quantity of Gritty's. Gay mixed drinks will be coming out of your own pocket I'm afraid.

Since the prospect of you actually showing up on the night with $60 plus drinking money seems highly unlikely to me, I've taken the liberty of giving you an easy way out in the form of the PayPal button below. Go get your mum's credit card and tell her that all the other kid's mums are paying for them, and that if she doesn't pay for you, you're going to go to your room and cry until you make yourself sick. K?

So, that's about it. All that's left is to remind you that 4pm is REALLY EARLY!

Why, Dan...why??

Portland stumbles, then stumbles some more

After a promising start to the season the bye week seemed to have interfered with Portland's mo-jo as first one wheel, then another has come off their playoff campaign. With one week left to go, post-season play is still a mathematical possibility, but our destiny lies as much in the hands of others as our own.

Having been previously indefatigable at home, Portland took their first misstep by failing to capitalize on their territorial advantage against Hartford, and then yielding a succession of penalties towards the end that allowed the visitors to put the game out of reach. Both tackling and decision making were poor, while a lively Hartford pack made every ruck and maul a hard fought contest.

Despite some extended periods in the opposition half Portland failed to turn the screw, and on most occasions Hartford were able to respond with 40+ yard breakaways to relieve the pressure. Hartford had the better of the try count 2-1, and both sides racked up three penalty kicks each. Portland got theirs early, to keep them in contention despite the failure to convert pressure in to tries, but Hartford got theirs late, when they needed them most, to help put some daylight between themselves and the hosts. Final score, Portland 16 - Hartford 23. 1 point for the near miss.

A week later Portland took the long trip to Burlington only to suffer a similar fate, coughing up too much ball in contact, which the host side was able to put away to their advantage. Overnight rain made for slippery conditions on an otherwise perfect rugby facility, and handling errors were to be frequent throughout the match.

Burlington struck first, taking advantage of players still shaking off the fog of 4 1/2 hours on the road. For the first quarter Portland struggled to get out of their own half, but held their own in the set piece and managed to prevent any further points being scored.

After a converted Burlington penalty, Portland eventually found themselves in the opposition half, giving them the opportunity to swing the ball wide through their backs, and despite coming up short of the line, the forwards were able to finish the move with a series of quick rucks.

Portland soon scored again, but this time it was all forwards, as they dominated a 5-meter scrum; stopping just short of a full pushover, but getting close enough to crash over from a quick pickup at the back. Both tries were unconverted, but it gave Portland a slender 10-8 lead going in to the half.

Burlington soon wrested back the momentum, striking back early in the second half with a quick move to their backs. Within several minutes they were at it again, pouncing on a ball fly hacked through our advancing defense. Both kicks were missed, but Burlington now held a 18-10 lead.

Portland came back with a drop goal from Evan Harding and another try of their own, and for a while the game hung in the balance at 18-18. Burlington were to have the last word however, after stealing the ball at a lineout and working it quickly wide and breaking several tackles to send their winger over in the corner. The conversion was made, and the scoreline moved to 25-18. That's how it stayed for the last 10 minutes despite some near misses by both sides. Another solitary consilation point for the close loss.

On both these occaisions the B side were able to win their own contests and add a silver lining to the otherwise gloomy score sheet. The B's continue to put in strong performances, thanks in large part to the numbers of new players that have been turning out each week. Sprinkle that group with a handful of wiley veterans and you have the making of a good side, and a great breeding ground for Portland's future talent.

Portland's final game of the season will be away to Newport and will feature the second fixture of the year for Portland's "new" old boys side. A bus has been laid on for the event and $30 will get you a seat on it plus some refreshments. Any old boys looking to get a run in before the weekend can find us at Memorial Field on Tuesday (7-9) and Fitzy on Thursday (7:30-9). If you'd rather conserve your energy for the day of, we understand.