Vintage Portland

From the Portland news archives comes this scratchy piece of footage of some unknown players running in a try, appropriately enough against Burlington. Circa 2001 and filmed in classic Amateurovision, you can just make out a mugging going on before the assailants take flight and disappear into the distance. I understand that no charges were ever pressed.

An underwhelming reward is available to anyone who can name the four perps, or the two other witnesses who are still alive and might actually still be found on a rugby pitch today (i.e. active player). Please use the anonymous tip line below.



Apologies to Bono for the 18 seconds of screaming that we borrowed without paying for. We...erm...sent the royalty check to some starving kids in Africa, but then Madonna adopted them and we lost track of it after that. Sorryboutcha.

Why We Write

Sorry Dom, I may not have tails of Portland success to regale you with this week, but snark I've got in abundance. Having gone down to South Shore and given up a slim early-second half lead to record another tough loss, they then have the temerity to ask why we publish our match reports. The implication here is that we give away too much of ourselves by publishing our exploits (or lack thereof) for everyone to see.

This has sent my in to an uncharacteristic fit of soul searching, wondering if, by my actions, I have somehow been responsible for the record that it has become my increasingly solemn duty to report each week. Well, after the five minutes that it took to search the very depths of my character (which included time to make a sandwich), I've concluded that there is probably lots that I have done (or not done) to contribute to our record, but that writing and publishing match reports is pretty low down on the list. I fully intend to "go off" on this subject in a moment, but for those without a taste for self-righteous indignation, of if you're from Burlington or Hartford and just want to pick up some juicy facts for the coming weeks, here are the deets from this past weekend:

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns". Ah, George Eliot...how he/she so eloquently captures the beauty of the seasons. Oh, wait...that's right...I'm supposed to be giving away club secrets, not waxing lyrical.

So it was sunny and windy, and it was nice. Both sides were well matched through the first half although South Shore scored first when their winger broke through to score underneath the posts, giving the home side a 7-point lead. Within 10 minutes Portland struck back after passing the ball through several pairs of hands to send Hannes diving over for another try to add to his growing tally. 7-7 at half time.
Early in the Second Half Portland pressured the South Shore line again, but had to settle for a penalty and a slim 10-7 lead. Although this pressure continued, the advantage began to slip as South Shore made some shrewd substitutions that added further beef to their already strong pack. As the game drew in to the final quarter the South Shore dominance up front was almost complete, which ultimately yielded two scores through concerted forward pressure. Final score 21-10.

There then. I defy our remaining opponents to glean much tactical advantage from a write up like that. You could get a wealth more knowledge from a couple of well placed e-mails around the league than you ever could from the well-worn cliches that I churn out. Hell, you could read the ref's report for that matter.

Of course, it could be different (and worse, for our opponents). I could have chosen to write about South Shore's lineout preferences and the best way to combat them. Indeed, there are any number of juicy tidbits about South Shore or any of the other teams that we have played that I could have posted up here in our match reports, but I think you'll find that my style leans more towards the prosaic than the factual. That's just how I roll.

So why do I bother? Well, other than the pleasure derived from mental masturbation, I like to think that the match report offers some kind of catharsis for those involved, and helps keep the club together, particularly during the times when things might not be going so well. Hopefully the broader Portland Rugby community, who may no longer be playing, but who may still be interested in the fortunes of the club, are also kept sufficiently interested so that when the time comes to pass the hat or scrape up an Old Boys team they will answer the call.

So as I plow this lonely furrow of match reports and random rambling, and cast my gaze across the sites of our competitors, I can't help but think that the impression elsewhere is one of dereliction. I'm sure, in fact I know, that many of our fellow clubs are vibrant beneath the surface, but are we noy not [thanks, Jimmy] all in the end in the business of marketing ourselves to prospective players? Personally speaking, if all you have in "Club News" is your paintball outing in March, last year's banquet or some cursory reference to your latest result, I can't help but find it all a bit lacking. Shouldn't there be some kind of virtual tumbleweed blowing across these scenes?

We're lucky here in Portland that there aren't too many other choices for playing rugby, so even those lads with too short of an attention span to read all this rubbish will probably end up playing with us anyway. But in a competitive recruitment environment like Boston, I'd think that displaying a little activity on your website might go a long way. It may sound a bit gay, but I think most of us are in this to nourish our souls as well as meet our physical need to run around and hit things, so a spark of personality might go a long way.

In the end, this probably represents the biggest change I've seen in Division II in the year that we were away. For all its shortcomings, Division III was a more vibrant community, from the Wolfhounds to Middlesex to Seacaost. For all the intensity of competition, they were for the most part, as they say at the 'hounds, "in it for the craic". All of this new found seriousness in DII brings a smirk to my face, and it seems to come from a lack of perspective. We are all, after all, playing a modest level of rugby in what some might call a third-world rugby nation. I think that makes us more like missionaries than anything else. As boys we all watched our favorite athletes on TV (or for some of you, your favorite dance routines on Broadway), and we tried to copy them, but it was all just play-acting in the end.

Sorry, I lost my way a bit there. Of course, were we 5-1 instead of 1-5, you might say that I'd be singing a different song, and the website would be as tight lipped as a Tony Snow press conference. But I'd be the first to admit that writing all this crap is above all self-indulgent, so until the club slaps me with a muzzle order I'd like to think that I'd keep spouting off, regardless of our record.

My old pal Oscar Wilde noted that, "It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously." Some might say that this blog is a case in point.

Your are now free to post your vitriolic response below.

P.S. The Killer B's either won, lost or tied; but whatever it was, it was close. It looked like two tries for each side to me. A side man-of-the-match honors went to Scotty Derrig, getting it done at full back, and B side honors went to Ed Lutjens for scoring the final try in the B game, that might have won it...or tied it...or not.

Post Up

When we added the comment feature to the site, Dom suggested that we had a "slow motion train wreck" on our hands. Well what the hell good is a train wreck when it happens so slowly that you can't even see it? Damn. I can count the comments we've had on one hand.

I've heard tell that the current process is "too complicated", and that it's stopping you from getting your comment on. Hey, if J-Wil and Freddie can figure it out, that argument doesn't really hold up to much scrutiny. If you ask me, I think you're just shy and laboring under the illusion that a lot of people will see the dumb stuff you write. Well, let me set you straight on that one. While we may have had north of 39,000 visitors in the last year or so, in this series of tubes that we lovingly know as the internet, that barely constitutes a heartbeat. Hell, I'm sure Tractor's MySpace page gets more visits than that.

But, in an effort to coax you out of your shell, we've turned off the registration requirements for posting a comment, so now you no longer need to create an account to vent your spleen. You can even post anonymously if you're a total weenie. Don't worry, you can still man up and put your name (or someone else's) alongside your post, so everyone will still know how funny you are.

So, dust off your muse and get to commenting. It all adds to the rich texture of the site.

Oh, and BTW, all the comments are still moderated, so all those nasty things you want to say about South Shore still might not make it up on the site. As before, funny trumps angry every time.

Practice tonight (10/19) at Riverton School, South Shore away this weekend. Get some.

"The Man" keeps practice down - Thurs 10/12

Yeah, that's right. The effin' Man thinks that the city's fields are far too precious to let us run around on them, and that they need to be preserved for the bunch of no-talent 6 year olds who like to stand around and pick flowers at soccer practice.

So, er...anyway, no training tonight. Find a hill and run up and down it 'til you puke.

Then go home and have an early night. Snuggle up with a good movie, like this one featuring this Christmas' "hottest" toy.

Maine Mainacs Defeat All Blacks (sort of)

All Blacks Bust It Open
Originally uploaded by PRFC Sec..

While Portland's 1st XV was mixing it up with Newport, an assortment of players and old boys from various Maine teams travelled to NH for the first ever One Helix Cup against the NZ Consular XV.

Spare a thought for Karen Woodsum, who provides us with the following match report and the associated pics [click through the shot for more action]. With sons playing in each of the games on Saturday, she finally had to choose which one she loved the most.

Don't worry Francis, we still love you.

Maine Wins Inaugural One Helix Cup Rugby Match

The much anticipated rugby match between the Consul XV and the Maine Maniacs took place Saturday, October 7, 2006. After the obligatory team pictures the New Zealand team attempted to intimidate their opponents with a loud and enthusiastic haka. The haka appeared to work its magic on the Maine Maniacs as the Consul XV dominated the first period. Indeed, the Consul XV landed the first score as Paddy Casey broke tackles to race into the try zone. Not to be completely intimidated, Chip Brewer, of the Maine Maniacs took a pass at about midfield and zigged and zagged his way down to tie the game.

As the second of the three 15 minute periods began, the conditioning of the New Zealand team (or lack thereof, i.e. I learned that our host and hooker for the Consul XV, Simon Leeming, trained by getting on the treadmill a couple days ago) began to take its toll. Although the Maine Maniacs dominated the second period, the New Zealand team dug in their heels and held fast, preventing any scoring. During the third period, Mike O'Callaghan, a former All Black from New Zealand, tried valiantly to put more points on the board for the Consul XV. However, with five minutes remaining in the game it was again Chip Brewer who took a pass from Jerry McQueeney and put the Maine Maniacs ahead. Justin Rutledge then added the two point conversion capping the scoring at Maine Maniacs - 12, Consul XV - 5.

The lust for blood and broken bones will have to be fulfilled by the knowledge that many a player would be feeling bruised and achy the following day. New cleats, worn for the first time on Saturday, will be put away hoping to be pulled out again next year in a rematch between the teams. As is traditional after a rugby match the teams put aside their differences and spent an evening together drinking and singing.

Oh Rugby, you've a million ways to be cruel

If there's one thing harder than enduring this streak of narrow losses we've been on, it's having to find new ways to write about it every week. It's times like these when I almost wish I was on any of those other teams in the league who never bother to post their scores, let alone string two sentences together to catalog their exploits.

But then again, it was Churchill who said, "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it". So when the rugby historians dig up the archives of rugby in New England during the early years of the 21st century (which I'm sure will be high on their list of things to do), they're just going to think it was me holding the whole thing together - and then they're going to name a stadium after me, which they will be building to host the 2112 Rugby World Cup that is being held in New England. Oh, how confused proud my great-grandchildren will be.

So, anyhoo, back to the present. Saturday brought Newport to our fair city, riding in on a 1-2 losing record all of their own, having also coughed it up against Charles River and Providence. By all accounts the form book would have had us in a close heat, and sure enough, the game was to be a tough one. Of course, it seems like Newport have spent a little cash on the transfer market since we last met, with one of their acquisition being so new he still had his price tag on.

But hey, both sides were fielding a few changes since we met in the Spring, and them's the breaks. What hadn't changed since then was the pace of the game, which began fast, and stayed on a steady boil throughout. Newport dominated the early possession, and capitalized early with a try down the weak side which they duly converted. Although Portland managed to extract their own fair share of possession, given strong scrummaging and lineouts, they had a hard time breaking the gainline. Nevertheless, thanks to the boot of Andy Nelson, we were able to remain somewhat in touch by way of a couple of penalty kicks.

Glossing over the rest of the first half, which seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, Newport kicked a couple of penalties of their own, and the scoreline at the break was (I think) 13-6.

The second half opened with Portland pushing hard, and they soon found themselves with a lineout in the corner that they were able to maul over for an early try, leaving a very narrow 12-11 deficit. More pressure ensued, and Even Harding dropped a goal from right in front to give Portland a slender 14-12 lead of their own. Clearly rattled, Newport soon gave up another penalty within striking distance, although this time Andy's kick just drifted right to keep the game balanced on a knife edge.

Newport regrouped and began to threaten again, spinning the ball wide in an effort to make a breakthrough. With 10 minutes remaining they found their opportunity, as their full back chipped through a crowd of players to emerge the other side and gather up his own kick and run it in for the score.

With the scoreline now 20-14, Portland were still in with a shout, but the Newport defences held firm, and that's how it all ended. Another tough loss, but unlike previous weeks, this one didn't feel like a gift to the opposition. We'd like to think that Newport was made to work for it throughout.

Man of the Match honors went to Andy Nelson for his (almost) unerring boot, and for his strong performance in the scrum, where Portland dominated and stole several against the head.

The B Side game saw the return of the Killer B's as their fitness and aggression took care of Newport B's by something like 2 tries to 1. Man of the Match honors there went to Josh (the new guy).

Portland get a rest this weekend, and face South Shore away on 10/21.