Whaa! I don't wanna play Portland!

Thanks to NERFU and their gay, “everyone’s a winner” D3 playoff system, the season endures it’s most pointless weekend, where the “haves” go back and remind the “have nots” just what their missing out on.

The Wolfhounds and their “all-universe” backline will take on Middlesex. Seacoast will take on MIT (again). The only other competitive team in the league, Mad River, is on double-secret probation. And in the one game that might actually be too close to call, North Shore hike up to the Mountaineers for the battle of 4th vs. 5th seed.

Meanwhile, we are left to twiddle our thumbs this weekend, because surprise, surprise, the 8th seed in this lopsided league doesn’t really feel like coming to Portland again for another hiding, and to be honest, who can blame them? In another shocking turn of events, at least perhaps to the league, the 9th, 10th and 11th place teams didn’t actually fancy playing us either.

All this has me asking myself just why D3 is the only NERFU men’s league to put itself through this pointless end-of-season ritual?

In professional sports, more games equals more revenue, so I could understand the need to protract the season as long as possible, just like the NBA. But, in the dirt track rugby that we all play here in D3, more games usually equals more money lost. I know Seacoast have blown money on forfeited matches at Amesbury, we’ve laid out our own share for buses and practice fields, and I would guess that most of the sides in the league have experienced “negative cash-flow” with every game.

Consider the poor referees too. The league has made it crystal clear that there is a chronic shortage of refs so, once again, why put them through another week of one-sided matches and dodging projectiles?

My guess is that the logic is, or was, that in a geographically dispersed league such us ours, asking everyone to play everyone else would be too much of a strain, and the only way to find out the best side is to have a shorter season to separate the goats from the sheep, and then have all the goats play each other for the top spot. But, with eight sides making the playoffs, it appears we have a few sheep in goats clothing (how’s that for a mixed metaphor?).

True, an 11 game schedule would suck, especially for the side that draws road trips to Albany, Mad River and the Mountaineers (no offense guys, but you caan’t get theyah from heeyah). But it begs the question of why are there 12 teams in D3 to begin with?

Again, back in the day, when D3 was created that was probably the only place to put the wannabe’s and also-rans that we all are. Now however, thanks to the growth of rugby as the thinking-man’s contact sport, it looks as though there are at least a handful of respectable clubs looking for a game in D4. Couple them with the bottom four clubs from D3, and they’d have themselves a nice little league going on. That leaves D3 as a proper 8 team league, with a 7 week schedule, undisputed winners and no need for inter-league playoffs (just like D1 and D2).

Now all this might sound a bit like sour grapes from a side that wants things to end just the way they are. I’m sure Seacoast and the Wolfhounds still think they have a shot, bless ‘em, and no doubt they’re grateful for the playoffs. But, I’m also guessing that as they run up the score on MIT and Middlesex they’ll be wondering what this weekend was all in aid of. At the very least we could have all been getting on with the semi-final games to set up the D3 Dog’s Dinner Bowl for next week.

Well, as they say, opinions are like…., well, they’re not hard to come by, and I don’t consider myself a genius for having pointed out the flaws in D3 (there are other reasons why I do though), and for NERFU to have had some foresight may have been too much to hope for. But let us all pray that, whoever wins it this year, NERFU listens to the clubs and fixes this dopey system for good.

Thursday Practice

This Thursday's practice has been moved indoors, to Turfs (aka Jokers) from 7pm to 9pm. Be there promptly to take full advantage of the time, since it ain't cheap. Also, be prepared to cough up some scratch to off set the bill.

All I know about the weekend is that it's Saturday at 1pm, hopefully at Fox Street. It looks like Rutland have already pulled out, so we're trolling the depths of the league to find some other opposition.

Banquet

Whatever happens for the rest of the season, you're going to want to get together at the end and spin a few yarns about it all, and you're going to want to wear a tie while you're doing it, and that's why we have the banquet.

This year Jerry McQueeny is chairman, secretary, treasurer and entire staff of the banquet organization committee, and since he's a card-carrying grown up, it's sure to be a bang up affair. November 12th is the designated date and the Portland Harbor Hotel is willing to let us in their broom closet for a few hours, from 7 onwards.

Clear your diaries, clip on your tie, rent a girlfriend or dust off the wife, it's going to go off, for $30 per head.

For those of you who like to get paying for things out of the way early (ha! ha! ha! as if!), here's a helpful little button you can click. Cheers Al.

Middlesex-ual disfunction

On the face of it, Saturday's resounding win over Middlesex was just the way to end the season. A scoreline of 45-5 with all cylinders firing, gracious and hospitable hosts, and a bus full of beer and song. A genuine good night out with the lads.
Truely, the Amesbury facility is one sweet setup, and despite some initial misgivings about the artificial turf, even that turned out to be a pleasant experience.

As we arrived at the ground Seacoast was just wrapping up their demolition of the Mountaineers, which literally seemed like a case of men against boys. However, when you take that young team, add a dash of Portland Old Boys, a splash of Portland B's and simmer over stiff breeze you have more than a match for Seacoast Old Boys. Tim McMahon and Greg Hogan flew the flag for the senior contingent up front, while Ed and Marcos whipped the young backline into shape. Matt and Leo also pitched in to add some backbone. I've no clue what the final score was, but I'd say that the Portland/Mountaineer/Potsdam U. side came out comfortably on top.

After that, it was on with the lights, and on with the main event. Portland came out confidently, and for the first period at least they were disciplined and well drilled. The scoring opened quickly, with Matt Boyer touching down off a line out, and this was quickly followed when Tom Zabriskie scored his first try for the club off a nice pass from Jerry Alves. Andy made his first conversion of the night, starting a pretty prolific 5-of-7 night.

It wasn't too long before Portland threatened again, as they mauled their way close before Tractor broke loose and touched down in the corner. Freddy was next up, breaking through the Middlesex line and covering more than half the pitch to touch down under the post. Andy does the business, and it's 24-0.

Then Middlesex went and spoiled the party with a sneaky little try of their own, peeling round the front of a lineout after a short, oh yes, very short throw, and touching down in the corner. At the restart however Portland soon re-applied the pressure, so much so that Middlesex were forced to do something illegal (the exact nature of which I can't recall) and gave up a penalty try, 31-5.

As the first half drew to a close the level of yap from Portland began to increase, rivalling a bunch of Kindergartners who haven't had outside recess in a month. One of the problems of having so much experience on the side is that it becomes hard for everyone to resist the temptation to share their experience with everyone, on every occaision. But hey, that's enough of my own whining. Despite all the yelling, Portland managed a couple more scores in the second half, with Dean scoring a breakaway try of his own and Freddy closing out the night with his second. Andy ices them both, and that all adds up to 45. More yelling, more flinging the ball about, but no more scores.

Thanks to Middlesex for putting up with us at their drink up, and thanks to the bus driver for his patience. Massive props to Jeff Keating for grinding his axe all the way home and for being able to deliver at least four bars of just about any song that was yelled at him.

Playoffs start next week, and as of the time of writing, it looks like Rutland will be the opposition (again). As you may remember, they've already made the trip to Portland once this season, and I'm guessing the road is going to seem even longer this time. Stay tuned for official confirmation of Saturday's opposition.

Caravan Of Love

…brotherly love, that is.

This Saturday promises to have a festive air about it, thanks in no small part to the large prescription of bustrip that has been prescribed to all for our trip to Amesbury (FDA Warning: side effects may include nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, tone deafness, sleeping in the spare room, “bus itch”, amnesia and loss of dignity). The ride promises to be a good one as the Old Boys join us and share their wisdom and war stories. I’m sure you’ll agree that this’ll make a nice change from the wisdom and war stories shared by the regular old geezers who play for us.

Once at the ground the rugby will already be in full swing, with our old pals Seacoast taking on the Mountaineers and no doubt leaving right afterwards for an early night. A few of the older ones should be allowed to stay up late though, as they mingle with our own Old Boys for some kind of kick around scheduled for 4pm.

Then comes the headliner at 5:30, when the Portland boys take on Middlesex Barbarians (What’s in youer wallet?) under the lights and seek to finish the regular season with a clean sheet. It’s been many a year since the club has had something to smile about, and even if it did taking getting sent down to D3 to get here, there is a true sense of history in the making. So, just like Woodstock, Game 7 of last year’s ALCS, the ’66 World Cup Final and that time Joey fell off the picnic table, do you want to hear about it from others for years to come or do you want to say “I was there”?

Be at the "real" Park 'n' Ride across from Bally's at 1:30pm and bring $20 on top of your regular pocket money to help pay for your prescription.

Cake

a wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away
and all the leaves
away, and the trees stand.

i think, i too, have known autumn too long.

e.e. cummings
(Seacoast scrum half, 1922-1935)

Yesterday Portland played hosts to the only other undefeated team in the league, Seacoast, in the penultimate regular league fixture. Once again the fixture was shifted to the Cumberland Fairgrounds, on account of all this beautiful weather we've been having. Not that it should have mattered to Seacoast all that much, since this had been the site of their Spring-time victory, and one of the lower points in PRFC history.

Indeed, the wind was in the process of blowning pretty much everything away, so Portland took advantage of the Pulling Shed once more for their warm up. We shall miss ye sheddy, and your drafty, horse sh*t covered comforts. But, despite the rustic surroundings, the home team took the field warmer than the hardy spectators, and seemingly warmer than the visiting side. Whatever the excuses, Seacoast came out flat, allowing Portland to dominate the first quarter of the game and rack up 17 unanswered points. Early scores went to Hannes and Tractor as the forwards picked up where they left off against the Wolfhounds. This time however the backs got in the act as well, swinging the ball through several pairs of hands for Dan Joyce to touch down in the corner.

By then Seacoast were starting to show signs of life, with their pack running hard off the fringes as they sought to create room for their backs. Unfortunately they didn't need too much room for their nippy winger to get up steam and score their first points of the game. Portland responded with another try before half time, this time from Jeff Keating, as he iced another period of strong forward play. 22-5 at the half.

Half time saw a couple of substitutions, and then the action resumed with both sides exchanging tries. True to form on both sides, they scored another break-away, and we ground another one out through the forwards. Yours truly got that one. 27-12.

Portland started to get lazy and Seacoast sensed their opportunity, piling the pressure on. At this point Jeff Keating picked up a yellow card for some kind of tackle infringement, that left Portland spread thin, not to mention in shock that such a fine upstanding pillar of the community should commit such an act. To think that during the week Jeff is shaping the minds of the country's youth while at the weekend he is blatantly flouting Article 10, Subsection 2, Paragraph (a) of the rugby laws. For shame.

Anyway, back to the game. Portland defended hard but eventually gave up another score to the Seacoast back-line, bringing the score to 27-17. Soon however Portland were back to full strength and wrested control of the game to score again, with Tractor defying gravity to pick up his second try of the game as the ball came down just before his feet landed in touch. Much love to the Seacoast touch judge for calling it like he saw it.

You'd think that was enough drama for one day, but just as Portland brought the ball inside the Seacoast 22 again for a possible final score, that tricksy Seacoast winger intercepted a midfield pass to run the length of the field and touch down under the posts. 32-24, game on. But, oh dear, there goes the final whistle and it's all over. Too little to late.

The B game, other than being superbly officiated, saw one of the baldest Portland back lines in many a year. It followed a similar pattern to the A game, with break away tries for Seacoast and forward grinders for our lads. In the end they cancelled each other out, with the final score tied at 15-15. Not that Portland didn't squander plenty of opportunities to win it, with sloppy handling and needless obstructions, but hey, that gave us all an opportunity to listen to the ref blow his whistle. Big ups to Stu Dunlop for making his annual appearance, and to even making it to the drink-up despite his long drive home.

Speaking of the drink-up, I have to give a mention to Seacoast for their dissapearing act after the game. No doubt they had to head home for an early night in anticipation of their game against North Shore tomorrow. I hope it turns out to be worth it, since they missed out on a great spread of food (cheers Beth) and even a special "5-0" cake that Ed bought.

That about wraps it up. Portland travel to Amesbury on Saturday for their final league game. A bus is still on the cards, so dust off your kit and get on board.